That defining moment. My Lucky One.

The day has come.

Baby Maya turns one today.

I have been daydreaming and planning about this (in my head) ever since I had her in my belly.
Really. There are many defining moments in one's life - graduating, finding the dream job, first house, first car, wedding day, getting pregnant, delivery day.. and then this -> your baby first birthday.

My lucky one... turning lucky one. *get it?*

It is a bittersweet day. It makes me sad in a way it thrills me that we have shared this first year together. She doesn't really need me as she used to and I am sad about it. But still very proud and happy that she is entering her new stage of her life. Feels like just yesterday when I was screaming and agonizing in labour. In a blink of eye, with you all as my witnesses, the baby stage is over. My heart just twisted as I typed this. Super siao. I am happy nonetheless!!! But I cried as I know the baby stage is gone forever.*happy tears* As crazy and as sampat as I am, I love love watching her grow each day, reaching her milestone and learning new things everyday. Her progress, at times, stunned me. Many times she just surprised me. Actually, it is ME, who got surprised to see her grow and learn, sometimes without me. *sniffs*

Especially I think since she is my first, knowing that all the firstS with my first newborn have run their course. Such a big transition. Such a concrete milestone.

I am super emotional today. So tough. It is a new phase, not just for baby, but for me as well. I am not a feeling-oriented kind of person, I don't get swell up with tears easily. But this journey, this past one year, I know... despite trying to prove otherwise and still act icy-queen macho and all..... I have become a mummy. Not just your average mother kinda of tag name, but a real worry-freak, cautious domestified kinda of almost turned into naggy old granny label. Hate to admit this, but it is true. And you know what, I am happy with the MUMMY tag :) because now, I can't imagine my life otherwise. I really can't imagine my life without her.


So.... My dear Baby Maya....

A year ago, as I cuddled you in our VIP room in Rejang Medical Centre Sibu, I know already.... that you have turned my whole world upside down. You came and you conquered and you made my life even more beautiful that I can ever imagined. I looked down at you and saw this precious little bundle. You introduced to me, a love so strong that I couldn't comprehend...that I don't fully understood - a mother's love. As I tried to grasp this new role of mine and apprehend the tremendous ever-growing love overflowing out from my heart and soul, I thank you for letting me be your mummy that day.

And in your second month, you were crying and crying every evening, refusing to sleep even as I rocked you the whole evening and sang to you. You cried your eyes out and my heart bled. And then I remembered, I was crying with you too. Because I felt so lost too, I kept blaming myself for being such a lousy mother. I didn't know if I was doing the right thing. I didn't know what you wanted then. As the time ticked by, once I got to know you, once I understood your body language, once I appreciated every inch of you, the whole of you.... I got better. We got better. We got better at hugging and snuggling and cuddling each other. And I thank you for letting mummy a chance to learn.

From third month onwards, you learnt so much in such a short time. Everyday I watched you picked up a new move, a new trick. You rolled over, crawled and sat. You tried your first puree and solids and even learnt to spat out food you disliked. You are the world's fussiest and most difficult food critic!!! And I had to search for the recipe and try everyday to make a dish that you would eat. And when you got tired of the taste, I had to find another 'favourite' for you again. As you zoomed past the house in your walker, as you climbed up and down the house, as you clicked clucked your tongue, as you sang and talked and chuckled to yourself while playing with your tiger soft toy... I realised how fast time flies. When you crunched up your face into your signature 'pretend cry face', I couldn't helped but laughed at your cheekiness. Sometimes I feel that you are growing too fast a pace that I couldn't keep up! When you hit a milestone, I was swelling with pride and cheering on for you (and posting videos and pictures up on Instagram), but at the same time, my heart yearned. I know... that as you grow up into the cutest little girl, you are pulled away from being a baby. My baby.

*can't believe I am actually crying typing this post*
*happy longing tears*

Giving you the most special, most tentative first birthday party was like my ultimate to-do in the whole wide world.

And because your memory is not that good, that's okay. That is why I am here. 

Because I will remember it all.... for you.

Mummy will capture every defining moments for you.

It might not be the most lucrative or expensive luxurious one, but it is all personalised and intimate. It is all for her, about her, us and the memory. 

My Lucky One,
I love you more than words can say.
I love you more than anything.
I will always love you more.

Happy first birthday, baby girl.
Mummy loves you.