Browsing through my Facebook and looking at old posts. And
came upon this:
“Family 1st …. Or
career 1st?”
I posted it on the 14h September last year.
At that time, I was seriously struggling to decide between
these two choices. I also don’t understand why I so stressed up about it then.
I treated it like a matter of life and death. I remember sitting at the Bing café
with my latte + whipped cream in front of me and slowly analyzing the pros and
cons and going through the pluses and minuses in my mind. Perhaps it was
because I just sat for my Basic Science Examination Ophthalmology (which is a
prerequisite entrance exam for Master of Ophthalmology) at that time and was honestly
considering postponing starting our family to focus on building my career. I even had a very grim intense
discussion with Dear Hubby.
Little did I know that God saw my shoutout that day.
Little did I know that God had plans for me already.
Because I found out that I was pregnant a few days after that post :))))
I passed my exam nevertheless. Only 30% passed and I was so thankful.
But I did not get my Hadiah Latihan Persekutuan (HLP) that
year. Still a year too junior to apply, I supposed, as all my batch mates did
not get it too. Without the approval of HLP, I can’t apply for Masters last year.
Actually I can but that means I would have to pay for my own tuition + work + study
without the government monthly salary, which is crazy.
He might not ‘Like’ or ‘Comment’ on my shoutout, but He did
answered me alright.
The timing was just apt.
It felt was as though He had helped made my choice.
And family it was!
It felt as though everything was pre- arranged and just
falling into places.
As though it was meant to be like that. Maybe it was.
I had no idea.
Guess I will never know.
Those of you who had replied me last year and this week on
my facebook, thank you.
Most of you have chosen family. Indefinitely.
While I
busy weighing the ups and downs of it, it seems that all of you already knew what
you want in life. Good for you!
And so do I now.
Entering new role in life, embarking on this phase of life,
the change in me is inevitable.
I’m just simply blessed.
Thank you dear God for this gift – Baby Maya.
 |
| My Family My Life |
As the ever wise Le Boss said,
“ doing the right thing at
the right time and focusing the right time doing the right thing”
So philosophical. So chim. So deep. Yet so true.
And so…. It is the right time NOW to start striving
for my career. Or in my case, endeavour to be an ophthalmologist.
I sat for BSE Ophthalmology again this year. For a hopefully better grade,
a better chance of nailing Master of Ophthalmology.
BUT………….
IT WAS SOOOOO TOUGH! Bloody hell! Unexpectedly harder than
last year!!!
Complicated answers and I did not feel at all relieved after
sitting for it. You know, after an exam, I usually have the sort of ‘Fuh! That
was hard’ but ended it with a small smile– meaning it was an okay exam. This
time it was like ‘Shit. Die. Mampus.’ Meaning it really was a merciless cruel tough
exam.
Had a hunch that I might actually really fail this exam. Wtf.
And there is negative markings as well. Aiyoyo ~~~
cham cham cham!
Not that I did not prepare for it. Of course I did!
Only, maybe not enough preparation, not equipped substantially.
The syllabus is
EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN. How to read all?
Felt like mission impossible to ‘finish studying’.
What! You can NEVER finish studying what.
Why is it that my concentration level and focusing ability
seem to go downstream ever since after pregnancy? Maybe it’s true. Maybe maybe.
I have become ‘slower’ and ‘stupider’ after the pregnancy hormones ‘eat my
brain cells’. Then, it means the more I give birth, the lagi stupider I will
become? Hahhahaa!! NOOOOOoooo laaaaa…. My lady specialists are all still so smart
and super competent despite 2-3-4 kids…. Hahahha…
Just me problemo clueless.
Because my other senior lady colleagues don’t seem to have
these problems. Or maybe they do but they hide it well. Or maybe they are feeling the same but too proud to admit it. Or they are just super
lifeless robots. Or they are lucky to have super photographic memory and no need to revise
or study or do notes. Or maybe they just had helps laaaa….. Haha!
Whatever to make me feel better. *smiles
Nowadays other stuff seems to appeal much interesting than
my books. Especially Baby Maya!!! She is the biggest distraction! Because she
attracts my attention so much. Lolololol…. She is just so so so adorable and I just want to smell her
and play with her most of the time! How to stay away? Hahaha! *kiss kiss* Mummy sayang you!!!
So cute right my princess.
Pathology, physiology, genetic,
immunology, anatomy zzzZZZzzzzz…not so engaging, huh?
*snores
Anyway, this recent exam has inadvertently rendered me inadequate :((
I loved how I used to know my ways around the books. I would
know exactly which page to turn to, which piece of sticky note to refer to. I
would do my notes and know where to look for the highlighted and sometimes
double underlined (haha!) sentence to that answer that I’m searching for.
Burning the midnight oil has never been a problem before.
Until I become a nursing mother. Plus the fact that I limit myself to no more
than two caffeinated drinks a day. Okay okay, I confess. Sometimes I do
indulge. Lolololol.
But what I am trying to say is that, the student in me is
slowly seeping away. Am glad I realize this as I intend to grasp it back! Perhaps it is just the same as the party crazy girl in me
fading out, replaced by a more mature, dependable stable me. At the age of 28
and a new mum, that is all that I can concentrate on doing well, for now - given my short
attention lifespan now. Haha.
And yet, I realize that I should not forget about my own
personal success and growth at the same time. Self-satisfaction and self-worth
are equally as important a foundation for a healthy inner me.
And hey, even if I failed this year’s BSE (poh pi not la), I can still apply with my last year’s pass. Hope to enter the Master programme this year. Dear kind souls out there, please pray for me!!! Poh pi poh pi ahhhhh….. If I don't get this year, wonder what should I do? Maybe He will guide me once more. :)))
Guess it is time
for some major mental adjustment (I know I should have done that earlier.
Procrastinator me) and positive self image boosting campaign. Of course, time
management. With a solid-proof workable schedules.
Ngam ngam I just watched a freaking inspiring motivational true story of JK Rowling - how she went from a welfare single mother to becoming one of the richest person in UK, how she persisted and worked hard to achieve her dreams, how her love for writing made her who she is today.
Gambateh gambateh!!!
If Baby Maya is trying to turn everyday without giving up, so can her mummy!
Many times she keep trying. Her left hand tucked in by her body. Haha. That's why can't turn over. One last step to figure out and she will turn!!! Eventually.. she fell asleep in that position.
I need to juggle: Not just as a working mother, but as a working mother cum part time student also!
Family or career? There is no two firsts.
Mine was made. And the time for me-career is now.
Flexing me muscles and cracking neck, it’s time for some me juggling yo!
Wish me luck for my Master application! *cross fingers *cross toes also
